By: Nicole Marie
I'm a domestic violence survivor - more like a thriver. I've become accustomed to a new normal over the past 11 years. This is my story.
Like most young females, I was a dreamer. I believed in happily-ever-after and Disney's version of fairy tales. In Star Wars, I adored Han Solo and Princess Leia. In Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones, I was thrilled by the scene of Anakin Skywalker picnicking with Padmé Amidala on Naboo. Quite the young romantic, I was delighted when Anakin and Padmé got married, not thinking of the sad ending that was to transpire. At this point in my young adult life, I wasn't paying full attention to any of the violence. My mind seemed to easily gloss over it.
"Believe me, I wish I could just wish away my feelings, but I can't." -Anakin Skywalker
In my early twenties, I had fallen in love. My suiter was attractive, intelligent, ambitious, charming, and I felt safe. Like Anakin and Padmé, we were friends first. Friendship led to dating. Dating then led to marriage. One of our common interests was Star Wars. We would watch the movies together, and he was an avid Star Wars gamer. When I became pregnant with our child, we were both excited and confident about the future. Life was good. I couldn't have been happier.
"You're breaking my heart. You're going down a path I can’t follow." - Padmé Amidala
We anticipate regular, everyday battles in our lives and within our marriages, but nothing prepared me for these particular battles that lay ahead. One early morning in the mid 2000's, I endured physical domestic violence for the first time, and then the abuse continued for the next several years in various forms. Like Padmé, my spouse was breaking my heart, and I knew he was going down the wrong path. Fortunately, there were times when there were no forms of domestic violence in my marriage, but we would regularly go in and out of this horrific cycle. (I would later learn that the time without domestic violence was called the “honeymoon stage” in the domestic violence cycle.)
It was during the happier, non-abuse times that I had a strong faith in my marriage and believed that it could survive - that he would change. I was like Padmé believing, "There is good in him." Then one day, I felt it again, a change in the Force. I tiptoed through life as if walking on eggshells. He'd go from the light side to the dark side, then from the dark side back to the light and repeat. Even then, I wavered both emotionally and spiritually on what to do. I had tried to fix and save my marriage, but I was already battling insomnia and depression during times when he was away. Holidays began to be scarred with painful memories. Just like Padmè was feeling about Anakin, it was heartbreaking for me knowing the man I had been friends with and married to was no longer the same.
One morning on a holiday weekend, my world shattered into pieces after a week of walking on eggshells. I watched my marriage blow up like the planet Alderaan. It was totally gone. All I could see was smoke, ash, and rubble. The remnants continued to smoke and burn for years.
"To live in fear is no life at all." - Padmé Amidala
Although I was now separated from the physical abuse, I felt sad, mad, and depressed. Those days, I could actually understand Anakin's anger. I had wanted a marriage and a family. Now I was looking into the abyss of the unknown. My only will to live was fueled by wanting to take care of my young Padawan.
"All mentors have a way of seeing more of our faults than we would like. It's the only way we grow." - Padmé Amidala
Living one day at a time, I fought through the effects of trauma, clutching on to my faith to see me through. Padmé understood that to grow, she needed a mentor. I, too, sought out help in the form of counselors, mentors, and groups. My growth came by learning to love myself again, relearning how to stand up for myself, and finding my inner voice. I began learning how to deal with the side effects of domestic violence, but it’s a process. I'd love to say that the abuse ended during the marriage, but that was not to be, as it was also endured during separation. Some scars could be seen and some scars were hidden. Either way, they were engraved into the heart and mind.
For a while, I stepped away from watching Star Wars. Two of the side effects of domestic violence are triggers and flashbacks. To watch Darth Vader throat-choke someone now made me feel beyond sick. One moment I'd be watching a favorite movie, and the next moment I'd be lost in my own miserable nightmare. The Star Wars Fandom I had loved had forever been altered.
"This is a new day, a new beginning." - Ahsoka Tano
Like with several other fandoms during this difficult time, I had been putting Star Wars off to the side. In 2012, however, word got out about a new Star Wars trilogy. I was intrigued. I was determined to enjoy Star Wars again, as I remembered what Master Yoda said, "Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose." I could tell that I was getting stronger and becoming more brave. And even though Ahsoka Tano was still yet to say, “This is a new day, a new beginning”, it was just as I felt. After all, I had since learned coping mechanisms that could assist me in watching my beloved fandom. One of the easiest mechanisms was to simply look away at disturbing sequences and let my mind meditate on something else. Second was to pay attention to warning signs that a particular scene was coming. Or if I chose, I could avoid a movie altogether. Third, if I was at home, I could have a notebook with me so I could write down my thoughts, or I would color instead.
At first, I was alone again in loving the Galaxy Far, Far Away. As luck would have it, I began to find others who enjoyed Star Wars too. I was beyond grateful to have friends with which to see the premier of Star Wars: The Force Awakens. I did enjoy the movie, although I battled inwardly because of certain scenes depicting violence I had personally endured. Yet it was a start. It was a new day.
Not only did my community of friends expand in the Star Wars Galaxy, but soon I discovered that my beloved fandom offered Star Wars books to read. I'm a huge bookworm! When I discovered this, it was in good timing, as I was able to join the Twin Suns Outpost (TSO) Book Club in its inaugural month. One month we enjoyed Black Spire by Delilah S. Dawson. The book was amazing, except I was faced with hard pages of torture and trauma. I would randomly scream at the book, "This character is not experiencing PTSD”, or “That is not how trauma or being abused works." I found myself having to adapt and utilize coping mechanisms as I read. The TSO Book Club encourages participants to answer questions regarding their reading throughout the month. I would think long and hard on whether I wanted to express my thoughts about the trauma. I didn't want them to discover that I knew what it felt like to be physically and mentally abused. Yet, it was a new day. I decided to be strong like the Black Spire's lead, Vi Moradi, and I voiced my thoughts. I felt empowered by doing so.
"The Force is all around us," Vi said. "You don't have to be sensitive to it to attract it, to be part of it. We're all part of it. Some people are just...well, think of it like a butterfly landing on you. That doesn't mean you're a flower. It just means you smell sweet. It's a good thing." Delilah S. Dawson, Black Spire
My journey in life hasn't been the simplest. I battle my past all the time. I do my best to find the silver linings every day, and I continue to grow stronger and to love myself more. And without a doubt, I look for opportunities to surround myself with things that bring me meaning and joy – and today that means being surrounded by Star Wars nerds or delving into a Star Wars novel or two.
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This is my encouragement to you as a survivor and thriver:
If you're reading this article and in a domestic violence situation, be strong enough to leave and find safety. I know it's going to be tough, and most likely you’re scared. I know freeing oneself is all about timing. I believe in you. You can do it.
For the reader that has family or friends that have survived domestic violence, please be a good listener. Don't poke or prod; let your loved one come to you. Sometimes just having somebody there to listen is the best thing you could do for them. Not every survivor is prepared to talk about their situation. Most importantly, love them.
For the readers that are survivors and thrivers like me, I am proud of you. It takes courage to leave. It takes bravery to seek help and restart all over again. You will have good days and bad days, and you will struggle. Love yourself. Self-care for your mind, body, and spirit is so important. Find yourself a counselor or mentor, so you can begin to heal and grow. Give yourself grace! Surviving is one thing, but thriving and overcoming is another. You can do it. You will overcome your situation! You will thrive!
And cling to Ahsoka’s encouraging words, “This is a new day, a new beginning.”
May the Force Be With You, my friends.
